Tonight is one of the strangest non-athletic sports related broadcasts, the annual NBA Draft Lottery. This isn’t the night where you can see what potential future superstar might wear your team’s jersey. It’s the night where you find out the order in which your favorite team will be able to maybe land one of those superstars. Baudrillard would probably refer to the NBA Draft Lottery as a serious non-event, if he wasn’t so busy rolling around in all dat philosophy money.
To make this event at least marginally exciting, we propose a truly American solution.
DRINK ONCE IF:
- The clip of the Knicks winning the first draft lottery (for Patrick Ewing) is shown.
- Anytime any of the following former number one picks are mentioned in conjunction with the word “bust”: Greg Oden, Andrea Bargnani, Kwame Brown, Michael Olowokandi, Joe Smith.
- Any mention of the word “tanking”.
- Any mention of “lottery veteran” Elgin Baylor.
- Any time the Nets are referred to as “New Jersey” rather than “Brooklyn”.
- If the Orlando Magic being the only team to win the lottery three times is referenced.
- David Stern stutters.
FINISH YOUR DRINK IF:
- A team that is not the Charlotte Bobcats wins the first overall pick.
- Someone in a Knicks jersey is shown indiscriminately booing.
- A confused Mel Kiper Jr. appears.
- A team executive cries.
- A premade Anthony Davis jersey is displayed by the team that wins the first overall pick.
DRINK HEAVILY IF:
- You are a Charlotte Bobcats fan.
THROW SOMETHING AT THE TELEVISION IF:
- The Golden State Warriors win the draft lottery and are rewarded for basically flushing their season down the toilet so as not to surrender this pick to the Jazz.